Kev #17: The Most Intense Roller Coaster of My Life

A nascent new year gives one pause to reflect on what has been and ruminate on what’s to come…

Nobody in their right mind would chastise me for dubbing 2014 the incomprehensibly worst year of my life.  My father-in-law suffered a heart attack, which necessitated Dee and me cleaning out his house of 20+ years over the course of a couple of weeks (he and Dee’s mom were quintessential pack-rats) and moving him up to live with us–a not unwelcome, but definitely unexpected long-term houseguest.  Subsequently, Dee suffered a major infection of her lower gum that caused her to lose two teeth.  Happily, she is chomping away again with her brand-new implants.  She is now part lovely, endearing wife and part Terminator!  Then, of course, Dee was diagnosed with rare and aggressive Triple Negative Breast Cancer (TNBC) on August 6th.  Worst day of my life, rivaled only by that September morning in 1989 when my mom called to tell me that my dad had  taken his own life…  You might think it couldn’t possibly have gotten worse, but, alas, you would be wrong.  In mid-December, just a few short weeks ago, our 15-year-old niece–not related by blood, but chosen and very dear to us and our daughter–hung herself.  Because Dee is who she is, she absolutely, positively, 100% insisted that we travel up to Portland to grieve with and support the parents and two younger siblings of this dear, young girl.  Mind you, Dee was–and still is–in the midst of AC chemo treatment.  She was–and still is–severely fatigued and extremely immunocompromised.  Yet, she willed herself to survive the trip and ended up making a hugely positive difference in terms of helping that family begin to come to grips with what had happened and start a healing process that is going to require a Herculean effort.  As you might expect, Dee got sick upon our return to Scotts Valley and has spent the better part of the past 10 days fighting off pneumonia.  On at least two occasions, she was within a few hours of a forced hospitalization.  So, pretty shitty, right???

Well, there is a flip side…  2014 could also be viewed as a year filled with learning and consumed by spiritual and emotional growth.  Dee’s dad coming to live with us has enabled the two of them to rebuild a warm, loving, caring relationship that had grown stale and dilapidated from years of benign neglect.  I can’t come up with a positive spin for the teeth, except that it’s a pretty cool story when told at a party after a few drinks.  The fact that Dee did not die from TNBC is a blessing, and her Clinical Complete Response (CCR), meaning her tumor is no longer visible via an MRI, is a minor miracle.  We will not know whether Dee has achieved a Pathologic Complete Response (PCR) until after surgery, but, given her CCR, there is a good chance she will reach a PCR, which would greatly improve her long-term prognosis.  The suicide of our niece–a smart, beautiful, athletically gifted, popular, caring 15-year-old–is an absolute tragedy.  Truly, there is nothing good about this.  However, in the course of processing my own grief–and because I never want to attend one of my KRH student’s funerals–I came to, and shared with my staff, a couple of key realizations.  First, if you work with or are around kids in any substantive way whatsoever, you are, by definition, their guardian.  This doesn’t mean you are their parent, but it does mean that you pay attention to them and their emotions; you notice when something is off; you speak with others about your concerns; and you absolutely, positively say something to the appropriate individuals if it is necessary and productive to do so.  Blithely ignoring warning signs and/or remaining silent in the face of overwhelming evidence to the contrary can be deadly.  Take a stand and make a move; your actions may save a life.  Second, recognize what kind of kid you have sitting in front of you before you decide how to communicate with them.  At one extreme, certain youngsters are built like skyscrapers; they are constructed of concrete and steel and can handle a strict, Spartan approach.  They don’t require coddling and will respond to a firm hand.  At the other extreme are kids who are fashioned out of tissue paper and tailor’s thread.  Gentle breezes will enable them to take wing and soar to breathtaking heights, but blustery gales will rend them, causing them to implode.  Of course, there are many gradations between these extremes, so please pay close attention.  Take notes so that you can reach these youngsters effectively; lives do depend on it.

I guess the truth of the matter is that both of the above interpretations of 2014 are correct.  By nature, I am an optimist, an alchemist who is always trying to transform lemons into lemonade.  However, I do not have blinders on; the world is a rough and unforgiving place where really bad stuff happens to good, innocent, undeserving people.  Just look at Dee and my niece, both of whom I hope you will carry in your prayers…  There are no rational explanations for the tragedies that have befallen these two amazing females.  Although still facing a long, rocky, treacherous road, Dee is looking more and more likely to make it.  My niece, on the other hand, is already gone from this earth.  We must pay attention; we must remain optimistic; we must learn our lessons; and we must apply them to our future as best we can.  This is my mantra as I embark upon 2015. I’m prepared for a more joyous ride this year than last; let’s see if the universe is with me! 😉

Much love and deep appreciation always,

Kev